if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
