she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
