Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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