found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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