I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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