when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
