I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
