I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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