She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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