Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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