how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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