the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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