you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Please don't give away my fajitas
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