I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
