I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
