im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
