The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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