I could make wine with my vomit
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You have to summon your inner elephant
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
