gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
