I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
