Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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