Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
