Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
