so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
