Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
