Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
