My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
