today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My feet surprised me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize