My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
