I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
