theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
