shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
