I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
