I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
