I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
