We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
did i just pee glitter
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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