we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize