Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
