I think I won the penis lottery.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
