he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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