im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did I show you my penis last night?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
