You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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