Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
