Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
