I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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