I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
