Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
jump out the window naked night went bad
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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