I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize