i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
