I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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