wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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