I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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