i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
