Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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