so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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