I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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