So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
