Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
