I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
