She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
