There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
