I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
