woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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