No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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